Being 18
Well, I'm 18! =)
I dun feel old. Not yet! Hehe. But well I just have some thoughts..
First of all, thanks to God for carrying me through 18 years! It has been trying at times but with His guidiance, plus that of my family, church friends and school friends..I've survived! =D
Celest claims the right of being the first person to wish me happy birthday! Well she almost did, but I didnt check my phone to get the call. Justus wished me at 12:03 but she called at 12:01. LOL. Both WIN! =)
Well on saturday I studied with celest at KAP till 8+pm then went for dinner. (skipped KS ulp) Queued for the famous Satay Bee Hoon for a long time lol. But it was really nice! Anyway that's beside the point lol. We did talk quite a bit. We realised that there's much we missed out on during secondary school life and JC.. plus how the good old days of sec 1 and 2 were gone forever. 10 memories of that period:
1. Going for KS was the top priority ever. Not being allowed to go for KS was a threat back then! Now its more like duty..
2. Sec2- Lanning with celest at AMK before KS every sat! Ponning training and lying to our parents together. Ok that's not a MORALLY sound memory but it was fun then.. though sinful =(
3. Looking forward to sunday school each week where the 16-17 of our batch (the biggest ever in church!) had really memorable cathecism classes where we tricked my father into forgetting to give memory verses
4. When the church was FULL every week and the mezzanine had to be opened
5. Dreading each and every cross training but feeling wonderful after completing a tough workout. And ponning too many. ARGH
6. Having fun in school through massive paper ball fights and talking rubbish with Yi Liang
7. Sec3/4-Becoming a group leader in KS and being filled with zeal to serve
8. Sec1/2-Talking to celest almost nightly about everything from utopia to school to life to church, until our parents thought we liked each other and were so afriad:"Tell me truthfully, do you like celestine?" Me:"?!!?!?!?" Them:"Cousins cannot marry!" LOL
9. GOing for outings with church batchmates: P6er's outing, Sec1-4 outings.. having such a great time fellowshipping... so many have left us!
10. Writing and directing a play for KS 10th anniversary. Planning warm-ups for rehearsals and doubling up with laughter at the antics of the cast. =)
11. Ok this exceeds but I must not forget writing millions of letters to celest at the rate of once per week or twice when we had tuition! Seriously dunno how we did that!
12. Man one more. Sec2-Having chinese tuition together with celest and justin at celest's bishan home. Such times we had! laughing at Xu Lao Shi's exclaimations that the huge rainflies "Will bite!" ,horsing around, competing in answering close passages..basically not listening and just horsing around. which explains my d7 =)
As I look back I think I've got much to regret.. not taking a more active role in school, skipping trainings, playing in the com lab, lanning in excess, lying.. well the list goes on. My parents have kept telling me how I have the ability to excell if I put in the effort, (well not to boast..lol, most parents think highly of their children) which is true to a great extent. Do bear with me as I list my regrets. Sorry I'm indulging in regret and its really selfish but I want to confront myself with them. Witness the outpouring of matthias. LOL
1. House- I think I was one of the most active members of MOOR house in the initial years, taking part in T&F, DF, Swimming, whatever. But that was it. A committee member. Didn't dare to run for exco, though I think it was already too late after wasting sec 2 in the damned com lab. ARGH. I think I have an innate fear of rejection, dunno if its anything to do with the past. There was this character test, with 4 main categories: Decisive, Inspiring, Stable, C(cant remember). Well I was major I with slight D, which is rather fitting i suppose. But the fear written there was Rejection. And yes I have to admit its very true.
2. Cross Country- I have a love-hate relationship with it. I guess it was one of the things that helped shape my character and physique.(lol) Well, the ponning of training after the blow of C'div Nationals in sec 2 was the ultimate low I suppose. I still remember the heats, where I was the 6th runner out of 6 in the team RI sent, but came in 2nd. But subsequently at the finals I pushed too much, became dehydrated after the 1.5k stretch of beach and gave up. Enough of that. "Great potential" never fulfilled. 4 freaking coaches said that. It seems that as usual I'm a halfbaked participant in almost everything. That's why I call myself a jack of all trades, but master of none. Good in many things but lacking the willpower and focus to see it through. I still love running though. To feel the exhilaration of running downslope, the torture of upslope, the mental and physical challenge to push on when arms and legs feel like rubber, the adrenaline pumping before the start of a run, overtaking people (like the scum I am =D), clocking good times for interval training and many lousy times, joking with teammates after training or during exercises, doing hundreds of retarded toe-touching while standing in a circle, bowing like japanese dolls..sigh. Well I made my choice.
3. Studies- average all through sec school..except lit and english..till now. ok now my lit's dying, but then again no effort put it. ZZ. Again lacking focus..slacking..being lazy..well. They were only good in primary school when I was under strict parental control. The freedom of secondary school was the downfall. Again, talents wasted. I have lots to account to God for. The parable of the talents: God expects more from those with more, and holds them accountable to it. I'm not brilliant, but I'm not stupid either. Intelligence is a gift, and I've wasted it. Pls dun take it as I'm trying to be proud. Now I just have to atone for the last 5 years of excessive sloth. But is it too late?
4. God- well, contrary to what many people think, I'm NOT spiritually strong. In fact, just the opposite. I think Sec3/4 was the peak of my spirituality. Then I was, as mentioned earlier, a new group leader together with aaron and justin, feeling the responsibility on my part and embracing it. Though I was also group leader last year, plus KS Retreat comm, I have been gradually losing interest in KS or church for that matter. What kept me going last year was mainly the threadbare fact that I was the leader and it was a responsibility. Of cos my spiritual slide was not all downward but there were some ups when I tried to correct my path, but it always went down. So YES, I have been backsliding a lot. Now I barely go for KS, and feel strange if I do so. An ex-committee member too! I know I believe in God, but like James put it, I dun have a LIVING FAITH. Lots and lots of head knowledge, plus counter arguments for many theories, but no practical religion. Knowledge is good, but without application it is vain. Pray for me as I resolve to turn back.
5. Relationships- by this I mean friendships. I think I've always been friendly to people I know but extremely tao to people I don't. (at times) Wait that's not really true. Sometimes I think I have split personalities: 1. my extremely fun loving, enthusiastic self, taking the effort to approach others and talk to them etc 2. my utterly withdrawn self, avoiding most people except for those I'm closest to, keeping to myself, being rude and unthinking, basically insecure. I think I've shown much of the latter this year. So there's no Funny Mr. Nice Guy all the time. Its like a facade. No its just my other self. LOL. I still remember how QingQing was shocked at how I felt about stuff when I chatted to her on MSN last year. She thought I was just a happy-go-lucky guy, full of nonsense and jokes. But not so. Take chorale for example, I could have been more proactive in approaching others and forming friendships with the juniors but I just didnt feel like it most of the time. Well to be truthful, part of it was insecurity in my singing ability, which naturally faltered as I lost confidence. I'm just a natural singer, singing best with least pressure, and worse with. But mostly it was just my Mr Hyde showing himself. Haha. Now I've been talking too much about school stuff.. how abt church? Well I think all relations with church people esp my batchmates were slowly fading since j1, but recently it has picked up since phebe josiah and I had a heart-to-heart (sort of) talk one sunday and decided to make the effort to reunite us. Studying sessions@KAP have been the major factor! =) But its just a core of about 8 of us, the rest are drifting or left. Out of the 17 we had, aaron and julia have gone to CE, simeon and joel to other churches, alvis, joshua, noah, lazarus and lemuel never joining us, shi yan and pam drifting away from us.. that makes 9. well its still sad. but thank God for those who are still around. i just read celestine's blog post about me lol. THANKS CELEST! =) I'll write for you next time. I love the photos. hehe. a quote from you to me and now to you! lol "Anyway you've been my neighbour, schoolmate, classmate, bestfriend, cousin, church friend, and i'm glad to have you (: " haha i'm so unoriginal!
Well I'm really digressing. See I'm slipping into my 1. mode. Its like 2:36am now. And I've got lit lesson at 9am. MAN.
As some biblical figure put it "Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter! Fear God, and keep His commandments," I shall conclude my horribly self indulgent analysis of myself. I think its really good to be clear about what I've failed in so as to try to change. Of cos there are hundreds more thing I regret but there's no time or space. And there's been a number of proud moments or achievements, though few and far between. I fervently wish I could go back in time to Sec 1, with my current maturity level, (not high at all but better than last time lol) and live my life over again. Heh that's what I told celest. But as she put it "There's no time for regrets, we just have to move on from them," I guess it has been God's will all long and He's been trying to teach me this lesson. So I cannot regret anymore but seek to keep to my resolve. DO IT!
Well if anyone managed to read till here, pls dun be alarmed at my really emotionally charged post, perhaps it would be wiser to keep it private but I dun have the option. And maybe its best if others read it too. Was that a good character analysis of myself? =) I want to be a psychologist, maybe. LOL
From my 18th birthday onwards, I pray that I will change my life, with His strength. Good night!
I dun feel old. Not yet! Hehe. But well I just have some thoughts..
First of all, thanks to God for carrying me through 18 years! It has been trying at times but with His guidiance, plus that of my family, church friends and school friends..I've survived! =D
Celest claims the right of being the first person to wish me happy birthday! Well she almost did, but I didnt check my phone to get the call. Justus wished me at 12:03 but she called at 12:01. LOL. Both WIN! =)
Well on saturday I studied with celest at KAP till 8+pm then went for dinner. (skipped KS ulp) Queued for the famous Satay Bee Hoon for a long time lol. But it was really nice! Anyway that's beside the point lol. We did talk quite a bit. We realised that there's much we missed out on during secondary school life and JC.. plus how the good old days of sec 1 and 2 were gone forever. 10 memories of that period:
1. Going for KS was the top priority ever. Not being allowed to go for KS was a threat back then! Now its more like duty..
2. Sec2- Lanning with celest at AMK before KS every sat! Ponning training and lying to our parents together. Ok that's not a MORALLY sound memory but it was fun then.. though sinful =(
3. Looking forward to sunday school each week where the 16-17 of our batch (the biggest ever in church!) had really memorable cathecism classes where we tricked my father into forgetting to give memory verses
4. When the church was FULL every week and the mezzanine had to be opened
5. Dreading each and every cross training but feeling wonderful after completing a tough workout. And ponning too many. ARGH
6. Having fun in school through massive paper ball fights and talking rubbish with Yi Liang
7. Sec3/4-Becoming a group leader in KS and being filled with zeal to serve
8. Sec1/2-Talking to celest almost nightly about everything from utopia to school to life to church, until our parents thought we liked each other and were so afriad:"Tell me truthfully, do you like celestine?" Me:"?!!?!?!?" Them:"Cousins cannot marry!" LOL
9. GOing for outings with church batchmates: P6er's outing, Sec1-4 outings.. having such a great time fellowshipping... so many have left us!
10. Writing and directing a play for KS 10th anniversary. Planning warm-ups for rehearsals and doubling up with laughter at the antics of the cast. =)
11. Ok this exceeds but I must not forget writing millions of letters to celest at the rate of once per week or twice when we had tuition! Seriously dunno how we did that!
12. Man one more. Sec2-Having chinese tuition together with celest and justin at celest's bishan home. Such times we had! laughing at Xu Lao Shi's exclaimations that the huge rainflies "Will bite!" ,horsing around, competing in answering close passages..basically not listening and just horsing around. which explains my d7 =)
As I look back I think I've got much to regret.. not taking a more active role in school, skipping trainings, playing in the com lab, lanning in excess, lying.. well the list goes on. My parents have kept telling me how I have the ability to excell if I put in the effort, (well not to boast..lol, most parents think highly of their children) which is true to a great extent. Do bear with me as I list my regrets. Sorry I'm indulging in regret and its really selfish but I want to confront myself with them. Witness the outpouring of matthias. LOL
1. House- I think I was one of the most active members of MOOR house in the initial years, taking part in T&F, DF, Swimming, whatever. But that was it. A committee member. Didn't dare to run for exco, though I think it was already too late after wasting sec 2 in the damned com lab. ARGH. I think I have an innate fear of rejection, dunno if its anything to do with the past. There was this character test, with 4 main categories: Decisive, Inspiring, Stable, C(cant remember). Well I was major I with slight D, which is rather fitting i suppose. But the fear written there was Rejection. And yes I have to admit its very true.
2. Cross Country- I have a love-hate relationship with it. I guess it was one of the things that helped shape my character and physique.(lol) Well, the ponning of training after the blow of C'div Nationals in sec 2 was the ultimate low I suppose. I still remember the heats, where I was the 6th runner out of 6 in the team RI sent, but came in 2nd. But subsequently at the finals I pushed too much, became dehydrated after the 1.5k stretch of beach and gave up. Enough of that. "Great potential" never fulfilled. 4 freaking coaches said that. It seems that as usual I'm a halfbaked participant in almost everything. That's why I call myself a jack of all trades, but master of none. Good in many things but lacking the willpower and focus to see it through. I still love running though. To feel the exhilaration of running downslope, the torture of upslope, the mental and physical challenge to push on when arms and legs feel like rubber, the adrenaline pumping before the start of a run, overtaking people (like the scum I am =D), clocking good times for interval training and many lousy times, joking with teammates after training or during exercises, doing hundreds of retarded toe-touching while standing in a circle, bowing like japanese dolls..sigh. Well I made my choice.
3. Studies- average all through sec school..except lit and english..till now. ok now my lit's dying, but then again no effort put it. ZZ. Again lacking focus..slacking..being lazy..well. They were only good in primary school when I was under strict parental control. The freedom of secondary school was the downfall. Again, talents wasted. I have lots to account to God for. The parable of the talents: God expects more from those with more, and holds them accountable to it. I'm not brilliant, but I'm not stupid either. Intelligence is a gift, and I've wasted it. Pls dun take it as I'm trying to be proud. Now I just have to atone for the last 5 years of excessive sloth. But is it too late?
4. God- well, contrary to what many people think, I'm NOT spiritually strong. In fact, just the opposite. I think Sec3/4 was the peak of my spirituality. Then I was, as mentioned earlier, a new group leader together with aaron and justin, feeling the responsibility on my part and embracing it. Though I was also group leader last year, plus KS Retreat comm, I have been gradually losing interest in KS or church for that matter. What kept me going last year was mainly the threadbare fact that I was the leader and it was a responsibility. Of cos my spiritual slide was not all downward but there were some ups when I tried to correct my path, but it always went down. So YES, I have been backsliding a lot. Now I barely go for KS, and feel strange if I do so. An ex-committee member too! I know I believe in God, but like James put it, I dun have a LIVING FAITH. Lots and lots of head knowledge, plus counter arguments for many theories, but no practical religion. Knowledge is good, but without application it is vain. Pray for me as I resolve to turn back.
5. Relationships- by this I mean friendships. I think I've always been friendly to people I know but extremely tao to people I don't. (at times) Wait that's not really true. Sometimes I think I have split personalities: 1. my extremely fun loving, enthusiastic self, taking the effort to approach others and talk to them etc 2. my utterly withdrawn self, avoiding most people except for those I'm closest to, keeping to myself, being rude and unthinking, basically insecure. I think I've shown much of the latter this year. So there's no Funny Mr. Nice Guy all the time. Its like a facade. No its just my other self. LOL. I still remember how QingQing was shocked at how I felt about stuff when I chatted to her on MSN last year. She thought I was just a happy-go-lucky guy, full of nonsense and jokes. But not so. Take chorale for example, I could have been more proactive in approaching others and forming friendships with the juniors but I just didnt feel like it most of the time. Well to be truthful, part of it was insecurity in my singing ability, which naturally faltered as I lost confidence. I'm just a natural singer, singing best with least pressure, and worse with. But mostly it was just my Mr Hyde showing himself. Haha. Now I've been talking too much about school stuff.. how abt church? Well I think all relations with church people esp my batchmates were slowly fading since j1, but recently it has picked up since phebe josiah and I had a heart-to-heart (sort of) talk one sunday and decided to make the effort to reunite us. Studying sessions@KAP have been the major factor! =) But its just a core of about 8 of us, the rest are drifting or left. Out of the 17 we had, aaron and julia have gone to CE, simeon and joel to other churches, alvis, joshua, noah, lazarus and lemuel never joining us, shi yan and pam drifting away from us.. that makes 9. well its still sad. but thank God for those who are still around. i just read celestine's blog post about me lol. THANKS CELEST! =) I'll write for you next time. I love the photos. hehe. a quote from you to me and now to you! lol "Anyway you've been my neighbour, schoolmate, classmate, bestfriend, cousin, church friend, and i'm glad to have you (: " haha i'm so unoriginal!
Well I'm really digressing. See I'm slipping into my 1. mode. Its like 2:36am now. And I've got lit lesson at 9am. MAN.
As some biblical figure put it "Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter! Fear God, and keep His commandments," I shall conclude my horribly self indulgent analysis of myself. I think its really good to be clear about what I've failed in so as to try to change. Of cos there are hundreds more thing I regret but there's no time or space. And there's been a number of proud moments or achievements, though few and far between. I fervently wish I could go back in time to Sec 1, with my current maturity level, (not high at all but better than last time lol) and live my life over again. Heh that's what I told celest. But as she put it "There's no time for regrets, we just have to move on from them," I guess it has been God's will all long and He's been trying to teach me this lesson. So I cannot regret anymore but seek to keep to my resolve. DO IT!
Well if anyone managed to read till here, pls dun be alarmed at my really emotionally charged post, perhaps it would be wiser to keep it private but I dun have the option. And maybe its best if others read it too. Was that a good character analysis of myself? =) I want to be a psychologist, maybe. LOL
From my 18th birthday onwards, I pray that I will change my life, with His strength. Good night!
posted by MattX at 12:28 AM
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